dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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