so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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