i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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