its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize