Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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