happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
