My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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