Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
