There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
