And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
