____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
