My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
