you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
