I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
