The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
