Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize