I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
