So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dear god my vagina.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
