we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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