Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
