hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
