Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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