I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
