I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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