I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
