it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
