I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
