Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
