He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize