i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
