Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
