Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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