she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
