Umm I'm too high to move.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
