He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
