This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
