He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
