Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
