the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize