alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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