remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
