Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize