On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
