Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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