I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
