i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
