I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
