On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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