just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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