I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
