and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
