Four minutes until I can fart!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
