We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
