i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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