you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
