I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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