Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
