dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
