The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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