How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
