One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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