Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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