I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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