I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
