I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
