I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
