Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
