me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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