please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
