I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
