I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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