I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
