his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize