she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize