He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
