Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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