I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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